My time at SpiderSmart made me fall in love with debate, and it’s also what I blame for my cost sunk attachment to the activity. But no matter what boom or bust my relationship with debate was in, Bryan’s always been my debate idol of sorts. He made debate fun, and when he once showed us his literal tub of trophies, I yearned to be as good at debate as he. Sometimes he comes back to Houston to judge at tournaments, and I’m always excited to see him again. Prepping frantically in a hallway with him is often the highlight of the tournament.
Small digressive spoiler: at the Grapevine tournament my high school debate partner Rina and I’s senior years, Bryan was there judging. When we downed our double octafinals round off of a silly blip, I texted him lamenting my lack of success on the circuit, and he encouraged me to continue. Call me sentimental, but I cried more from his unwavering support than from losing the round.
When I graduated middle school and entered high school debate, my biggest worry was that the team wouldn’t feel the same. Those late-night Discord calls and egregious messages, the inside jokes and beef with other teams—that was what made SpiderSmart my home. Rosie was going to a different high school, and my friend Rina, who’d also done middle school debate, DM’d me on Discord asking to be partners. Although I’d known Rina for a long time, we’d grown distant in middle school, and our partnership was awkward compared to Rosie and I’s prowess. Even worse, Rina knew all the upperclassmen in Dulles debate and spent more time with them than doing debate with me—not to her fault; I would do the same.
My greatest regret is not grinding debate in freshman year. Part of that could be blamed, perhaps, on the second varsity tournament Rina and I went to at Spring Woods. One of our opponents in quarterfinals, the first outround, Walker, was friends with our upperclassmen, and I’d met him briefly before our round. But that round shattered my spirit; I’d never heard of his argument about guerilla warfare before, and I had no idea how to respond to it. The ballot outlined how I’d conceded too much in my summary speech and how Rina’s final focus speech had too much new material. We had lost disastrously.
That was the first time I cried at a debate tournament, full of self-blame and a broken self-esteem. Before this round, I had thought I was good. When I first did a practice round at school practice, all the upperclassmen were blown away by my powerful and assertive speaking, but the round showed me just how much I was still lacking. The Dulles PF captain, Aidan, found me and walked me around the school, comforting me about the loss. We didn’t know each other at all, but I saw a little bit of Bryan in him, and in a way, Aidan saved my debate career. If it wasn’t for his awkward pep talk, I might’ve never had the guts to go to a tournament again.
Still, Rina and I ended up going to a total of only five tournaments that year, and I skipped practice more often than I went. My passion for debate slipped into the backdrop in lieu of catching up in school after COVID.
Nonetheless, Rina and I decided to go to camp our summer before sophomore year. I’d gone to the UTNIF camp the summer before high school, too, but it was online, and since I didn’t go with a partner, I was paired with a random camper, whom I carried to first place at the camp tournament. The skill level was far too low to help me at all.
I was excited to fly to Philadelphia for NSD, and since Rina would be going with me, I didn’t feel as scared or lonely. The “labs” were organized based on skill level, with the order from highest to lowest being Epsilon, Theta, Lambda, then Kappa. Rina and I were placed in a mid-Theta lab.
On the first day, I caught a glimpse of Walker again. I texted him on Instagram asking if he was really here, and he confirmed my suspicions, and the conversation never ended. We would text until 3 a.m. every night, and during lab sessions in the day, I would always have an Instagram tab open on my laptop, ready to reply as soon as he texted back. Something about him felt welcoming, and I felt safe to expose the most hidden parts of me, from anxiety to sexuality. He embraced every part of me with open arms.
Rina suspected that I had GDS: Good Debater Syndrome, going for someone who’s far below one’s league because they are good at debate. The skill and talent entices us, which is true for any activity or sport. But I resolutely disagreed that I had any sort of feelings for Walker, especially since he was nearly three years older than me and almost eighteen while I’d just turned fifteen, and thus began Rina’s ongoing annoyance at my incompetence in accepting the way I feel.
Meanwhile, one day near the beginning of camp, Rina and I heard strange yelps from a neighboring dorm room. After investigating, we discovered a group of friends swinging at the ceiling with an umbrella. We stood baffled for a second, then batted at each other to make the first move. Rina asked tentatively if they needed help, and the rest was history.
Often, I held movie nights with my friend group at my dorm because I had a single room right in front of the stairwell, so even though it could be a little noisy, it was bigger than all the other rooms. And when we held these movie nights, I would invite Walker. He would hold my hand at scary points in horror movies, and eventually, though I’m not sure how it happened, Walker would begin to lean into my side as the movie played; his head would end up in my lap, and I would play with his hair. With all my friends in the room. To be fair, that was my first romantic interaction, and I was too excited at the prospect of something happening than to worry about social ramifications.
Things were good for the first week. I did debate and hung out with my friends and texted Walker. It was an escape from the restrictive and mundanely monotonous days in my freshman year. To Nicky, Ryan, Michaela, Selina, Michael, Alfie, and Andie, thank you for making my first camp experience the best two weeks of my life. And thank you to the silverfish on Michaela’s ceiling for bringing us together.
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